“Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become the next moment. By the same token, every human being has the freedom to change at any instant” – Vitor Frankl
Staring down at our first child was an unreal experience; many can tell you how they felt when they first held their baby, but it’s something else when you finally get to hold your baby. There is a cocktail of emotions that are making you drunk with life. The joy, fear, and anticipation of the unknown come rushing in as the moment gets imprinted in your brain. One of many unforgettable memories life has in store for us. Life does this to us a lot. But before we get into how our first child entered our lives, we think it’s essential to speak about how we got to that point. A story that highlights the impact technology has had on our lives and the interconnectedness we now live in to plant the seed of possibility in our lives. Please don’t underestimate the power of the technology around us; how this technology can bring together life as well as divide. But for us, it’s a story of risk and reward, of going after the chance to love. It’s important to set the start point of where our lives began, to what would become a fast-paced exploration of the world, which has offered us a plethora of lessons learned as we grow our marriage. Lessons learned that we want to share and discuss. To examine and reflect as we continue to grow together. From travel, health, and most importantly, the growth of the ones we love most. This is a story that begins online.
We are two people connected through the power of technology and the once unspoken world of online dating. Fascinating to think of the possibilities and opportunities technology has brought us. We know technology can and will be a double-edged sword for navigating life. But we, Gee Ann and I want to acknowledge how technology was the “Big Bang” that created us and allowed us to evolve. Our first lesson would come from this creation and the future manifestations we will become due to technology. The “danger” of connecting through the internet, or that’s what people would have you believe. Many stories would be shared to us. As we were in a horror flick, the audience watching could see the faulty choices being made by characters that would ultimately lead to their deaths. As we would open up on our online relationship, it would become the dark cloud that hovered above us as we just waited for the storm to hit us. We dated online through email, Yahoo Messenger, and then regularly Skype. At the time, many did not trust this form of connection which could be understandable. Trust me; many told us the “dangers” of online personalities and the chance that our relationship would not last. It was frustrating that their assumptions clouded their beliefs and became a point of friction activated by a wide range of biases they wanted to shower us with. Don’t get me wrong, we both understood there were unknowns that we would have to discover, navigate, and settle with as adults. I believe we’re ready to navigate these complexities.
We communicated for six months. We came from entirely different backgrounds and cultures. At the time, I was in Kirkuk, Iraq and Gee Ann was in the Philippines. I would eventually come to see her for the first time on her birthday. I would fly halfway across the world not just to celebrate her birthday but, unbeknownst to her, to ask her to marry me. CRAZY, Right!! Six months of online communication led to a Marriage. I know many will question our decision-making. Malcolm Gladwell’s fantastic 2005 book Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, he discusses what I believe I was going through, a gut reaction which led to a decision. Throughout the book, Malcolm Gladwell’s central theme is how we think without really thinking that some choices are made for an effect like blinking an eye. He captures the essence of the intuitive and instantaneous power when making conclusions.[1] These can come in the form of decisions or snap judgments. Still, these actions are fast and counter the narrative that a quality decision takes time and effort. We would want you to believe that the six months of communicating with each other counted for this desired deliberate effort to know if we could marry each other, but that would be a lie. I was already looking for a ring and planning out my proposal around four months into our online relationship. I knew that a sequence of events was laid out for us, and we found each other by some miracle. We wanted to be active participants in our lives and wanted to exploit the opportunity we were being presented.
One could say that this was the first major decision we made together and a powerful lesson we would need to learn from. The decision of marriage, in our eyes, could not be taken lightly. Still, many around us thought this was the case as we did not do the “traditional” meet, date for some time, and probably enter a marriage contract after a year. Many have seen this work, and many have seen this fail, so what made our approach any different? The unknowns of such a decision? That we did not take time to get to know each other? The unknowns will always happen as life is unknown obstacles will be presented. Aren’t we supposed to learn who a partner is every day continually? Get excited and find ways to have novel experiences and grow as a couple, whether you’re five years into a marriage or 50?
In our opinion, we change as the environment changes around us. If you are with someone willing and excited to be on a journey, that makes it much better. We should strive to create a lifetime of memories that become the fabric that makes our family. Stephen Covey captures this lesson in his excellent book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (2020). His first habit is “Be proactive”. He speaks about how love is a verb within the book, and relative people make it a feeling. But as he states, “Proactive people make it a verb. Love is something you do: the sacrifices you make, the giving of self, like a mother bringing a newborn into the world”[2]. The point is that we create love by our actions and how we approach the environment around us.
Our advice would be if you are facing a similar dilemma and obstacles have been placed before you. It could either be the fear of being judged, the risk of failing, or the clear unknown of what will unfold after the decision. We advocate for you to listen to your heart and understand that what you see is not what others will see, no matter how much you try to picture how the future will unfold. Be reflective, take in the other’s options but know that ultimately it is still just your decision. It is your decision. It is your life. The author Ryan Holiday has a great short book called; The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph. In the book, readers are provided with many insights into how we can turn obstacles into the path we need to take. As he categorizes it, the obstacles become the way.
Obstacles help bring you to the point where you come to understand the purpose of what you are doing to realize the potential you have within you. Ryan Holiday captured me with this, “You will come across obstacles in life-fair and unfair. And you will discover, time and time again, that what matters most is not what these obstacles are but how we see them, how we react to them, and whether we keep our composure. You will learn that this reaction determines how successful we will be in overcoming-or possibly thriving because of -them”.[3] A powerful message and one that we must take to heart. We need to change our attitude, learn from these moments, and become a part of them. In our situation, different people and the physical distance between us continued to be obstacles to our desire to cultivate a love between us.
Our first child would enter our lives just over two years from the first time we met online. As we looked down into his eyes, we could not believe we had a chance to be parents. There was the fear of the unknowns and how we would navigate them. He was a product of faith between two people who took a chance on the emotional connection we were able to build online.
[1] Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking, 2005.
[2] Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, 2020, Pg 87
[3] Ryan Holiday, The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph, 2014, pg 16
